Ketamine Confessions of a Psychedelic Psychotherapist

Where Curiosity and Skepticism Meet

Article first published on MedCentral in 2022

Photo by Yuriy Vertikov on Unsplash

I once read that most people have three careers in their lifetime. By that criteria, I am right on target.

My first career was as a research scientist, under the mentorship of Nobel Laureate Dr. Mario Capecchi, studying genetics and molecular biology and working in the pharmaceutical industry. From there, I moved into biotech marketing, and then, into my current career as a psychotherapist specializing in complex trauma.

Disparate Paths and Craving Intensity

As a therapist, I wanted to work with the most complex cases, the hardest problems, the deepest trauma. I craved the intensity. Even though my prior job experiences seemed like disparate paths, their intensity wove together to provide me with a unique perspective – one where left brain meets right brain, analytical meets humanistic, and science meets Spirit.

I have always had a curious and searching mind. One of the appeals of being a psychotherapist is that the learning and discovery never ends, and never has this been more true than in my recent venture into the world of psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy.

Burnout and Collapse

Let’s rewind to March 2020, when we realized that COVID-19 outbreaks had merged into a full-blown pandemic. As the owner of a multidisciplinary group psychotherapy clinic, this meant a massive pivot of hundreds of clients and stressed out staff within an unstable global economy and social unrest on a scale that I have never witnessed personally.

The year 2020 took a heavy toll on me both personally and professionally. I was carrying an increase in my own anxieties and grief, increased symptomatology in my clients, heightened stress in our clinicians, and increased needs of their clients. The heaviness of it all weighed me down like an anvil, and I hit that place all therapists dread but none of us think will actually happen to us: complete burnout.

Curiosity about Psychedelics

In this same timeframe, I had stumbled my way into the field of psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy, which had implications for me on a personal level that I could not have anticipated.

As someone who had been actively engaged in pharmaceutical research decades before, I was very intrigued by the clinical research being done with MDMA for trauma survivors. As a trauma therapist, I wanted to get into this field of study but I didn’t know how. Eventually, I reached out to a colleague I knew was involved in the MDMA clinical trials: Veronika Gold, CEO of Polaris Insight Center. Veronika shared her knowledge of the MDMA trials and introduced me to the use of ketamine in psychotherapy.

I had always thought of ketamine as nothing more than a medical intervention delivered in emergency rooms for short-term relief of suicidality. But after digging into the research and my colleague’s findings, it didn’t take long to change my mind.

In fact, I decided to undergo training in ketamine-assisted psychotherapy (KAP) with Polaris – I thought if nothing else, I'd be prepared for the day when MDMA would be approved by the FDA. (Sadly, this approval would not be granted despite the truly extraordinary data from the trials.)

After my first full day of training, I felt like I was returning home to my authentic self. I found renewed excitement, and my cherished sense of curiosity that had been MIA for some time returned, as feelings of burnout temporarily softened. I knew that this work would become central in my career. Ketamine wasn’t just a temporary alternative to MDMA, it was a paradigm shift with potential to open doors that were previously hidden. The neuroscience of ketamine stimulated my scientist brain, and its transpersonal, spiritual side called out to my heart.

As the end of 2020 approached, so did the completion of my training in ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, as well as the increasing weight of compassion fatigue and burnout. After the holiday break did not bring me any relief, I knew I had to take more aggressive steps. I made the difficult decision to put myself on medical leave.

Choosing Recovery

My recovery from burnout focused on all aspects of myself – physical, mental, and emotional. Although I had been studying ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, I had exactly zero experience with psychedelic use. I gave myself the time, space, and permission to begin my personal work with this amazing medicine.

I decided to take the leap and engage in KAP myself. I was nervous, hopeful, and excited. I let go of my need to direct the work, with an eye toward the intensity and accomplishment that had always driven me. My incredible therapist did not try to convince me otherwise, but he knew what I did not – that the ketamine sessions were just the beginning.

For three weeks, my husband took time off work twice a week to drive me an hour and a half away to have 3-hour long ketamine psychotherapy sessions. They were long days for both of us but we were both committed to the work. I felt immediate, short-term relief of my depression but the emotional burnout and mental exhaustion were not as responsive.

With each session, I found a new insight or question to ponder. It was those non-ordinary state insights that led me to the deeper work of contemplative practices, reflection on my values, and, ultimately, lifestyle changes to reflect and honor those values. I was on leave for 6 weeks and I completed six in-person KAP sessions in that time.

The sessions helped with the dysthymia (aka persistent low level depression) that still creeps up, and they were an experiential reminder of the new path that I am on now where self-care is an actual priority rather than empty promises made to myself and then broken. I return for KAP sessions every now and then when I have a particularly challenging problem to work on.

Finding Another Way Through Depression

I have lived most of my life in “urgency addiction,” which propelled me ever forward. The hardest addictions to break are the ones that are sanctioned by our society, namely overwork and busyness addiction. My busyness addiction was well rewarded in my career, however, this compulsion took its toll on me and on my loved ones. I had lost connection with the things that truly sustain me – my family, connection with nature, and quiet reflection. Ketamine showed me the depth of the harm that this had caused and it gave me another way through.

In my ketamine work, I was able to reconnect with the essence of my heart and with a broader, more expansive state of awareness. Science captivated my left brain and Spirit began to fill my deflated heart.

Some of the messages and insights I received as a result of the KAP sessions are difficult to explain and beyond the scope of this article, but others may resonate with readers who have come this far with me. One of the early and core messages was “don’t try to push the river.” This spoke to me deeply about my urgency addiction and compulsion to always push harder – the same drive that pushed me to a state of burnout. I still have to remind myself of this message, and each day I must make intentional choices to support a healthier and happier life.

Ketamine Lessons that Changed My Practice

I also received a message in “ketamine space” that healing is reciprocal.

What I mean by this, is that when I take time to work on my own healing, it positively impacts those around me, including my clients, facilitating their healing processes as well.

On the flipside, the work I do with my clients to help them move through their traumas and toward healing and transformation, not just short-term behavioral change, facilitates my healing as well. It is sacred work to be a psychotherapist. In the realm of psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy, that sacredness is enhanced in that the work moves into the transpersonal and the impacts are greater than just a single person.

As soon as I returned from leave, I began working with clients using ketamine and that deepened my commitment to this work. There are two schools of thought regarding training providers in psychedelic psychotherapies such as KAP – one is that providers should first experience it themselves and the other is that they should be a “blank slate” and never should have experienced it. I fall unapologetically into the first school.

Ketamine-assisted psychotherapy is not for everyone and it is not a quick fix. The real work happens in applying what was learned in the KAP sessions, and integrating those lessons into daily life. This is the transformation that takes KAP from an interesting experience that fades over time, to a life-changing one.

Due to my training as a research scientist, I entered the psychedelic world with curiosity but also with a healthy dose of skepticism. My curiosity has been rewarded with a more fulfilling life, better relationships with my family, and a renewed sense of purpose. My skepticism has been softened by the results of my personal work, including amazing outcomes for some of my long-term clients who have allowed me the honor of accompanying them in their own ketamine sessions. I will be dedicating the rest of my life to this work on a personal and professional level. There really is no separation between the two as therapists can only take our clients as far as we have come ourselves.

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© Linnea Butler 2025