Not Good Enough: The Lies We Tell Ourselves
We are good enough just as we are.
How Healing Happens is a space for explorations and honest conversations about how we heal from trauma and emotional pain. Here you will find reflections on trauma healing, authenticity, and personal growth grounded in the science and spirit of mindfulness and self-compassion. If you resinate with vulnerable essays and the journey toward wholeness, this space is for you. Thank you for reading! 💜
No one has a perfect childhood. No one.
Even if you had a good childhood, you also had painful experiences that shaped you in adulthood. You tell yourself lies about yourself and the world around you.
That doesn’t mean that you had bad parents, or that they didn’t care. The reality is that there is no handbook or class to prepare you for being a parent. Parents make mistakes, and that’s OK.
They do the best they can. And sometimes it’s not enough.
Let’s say you grew up with a single parent.
They were stressed out financially and time-wise. You might have taken on the responsibilities of an adult, such as raising younger siblings, or you might have been an emotional support for your parent. This can translate into a belief of “I have to take care of others” or “My needs aren’t important”.
As an adult, you might not be able to ask for what you need and you might prioritize everyone else above you. Sound familiar?
What about growing up with a perfectionist mother or father?
No matter how well you do, they want you to do better. They want you to be the best you can be, but you might get the message “I’m not good enough”. This can show up in adulthood as low self esteem and always questioning yourself and your decisions. That doesn’t mean you can’t function well in the world but maybe you never feel quite satisfied.
Maybe you had a parent who valued independence and self sufficiency above all else.
They see it as a success if you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get over it (whatever “it” is). This can be especially difficult if you were born very sensitive to your emotions and emotions of those around you. You might get the message “I have to do it alone”, “I can’t ask for help” or “I got this”.
There are so many different messages lies that we tell ourselves that they are endless. You might have had a good childhood and have a good life now but you don’t feel quite happy. You have a hard time coping with stressors, find it difficult to deeply trust others in relationship, or struggle at work.
These problems can often be traced back to early relational wounds, also known as developmental wounds.
Relational wounds happen in relationship with another person, so they can only be healed through relationship. You can’t talk yourself out of these beliefs because they are so deeply embedded that that feel like fact.
Therapy isn’t always about treating severe mental illness. It can be a way to improve your life and feel better about yourself and your relationships. You can heal these developmental wounds through having new experiences that challenge these old beliefs.
You don’t need to experience the lies as facts anymore.
Recommended Reading
Healing the Mother Wound or “How to Grow a Parent” by Linnea Butler
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
Self Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff
Radical Compassion by Tara Brach
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We all have trauma as children - it's impossible to not to, it's designed to create the being we've become as adults. It feels like the more families are cut off from one another without support of each other the more these wounds are magnified. I love that we are bringing this all out in the open - I think it's helping the world as a whole evolve.
It’s so lovely that we have a space where we can be authentic and explore these “not good enough” lies we’ve been fed our whole lives. Thank you for sharing these thoughts