Do you feel "A Part of" or "Apart From"?
The Loneliness Paradox: Finding Connection in a Disconnected World
Last week, I found myself sitting with fellow therapists exploring the biology of belonging. As we shared stories of our clients (and ourselves) a pattern emerged: despite our unprecedented technological capacity to "connect," true belonging feels rare. The statistics back this up. Loneliness rates have doubled since the 1980s. Nearly half of Americans report feeling alone or left out. What we're facing isn't just individual suffering but a collective wound that leaves measurable marks on our bodies as well as our hearts.
The Biology of Disconnection
We are hard wired for connection and we need it as much as we need food and water.
When researchers measure what happens in our bodies during prolonged isolation, they find something remarkable. Loneliness triggers the same inflammatory responses as physical threat. Our immune systems get activated, blood pressure rises, stress hormones flood our system.
Our bodies read social disconnection as danger, a biological emergency.
This makes perfect evolutionary sense. For our ancestors, separation from the tribe was a death sentence. We evolved to perceive social pain in the same brain regions that process physical pain.
That ache in your chest when you feel deeply alone? It's as real as a broken bone, though we rarely give it the same respect.
What's particularly concerning is how our attempts to ease this pain often deepen it instead. We reach for social media, where connection comes without risk or depth. We consume passive entertainment to dull the ache. We busy ourselves with productivity.
The relief is false, like drinking saltwater when desperately thirsty or eating cotton candy when hungry.
It makes everything worse.
Apart From vs. A Part Of
Many years ago, I had the great fortune to sit in a lecture hall listening to philosopher Huston Smith speak about the human experience based on his lifetime of studying the major world religions. In his gentle voice, he drew a distinction that has followed me ever since: the profound difference between being "apart from" versus being "a part of".
This distinction is an orientation to existence itself, two entirely different ways of moving through the world. When we feel "apart from," we experience ourselves as separate entities bouncing against other separate entities. When we feel "a part of," we recognize our place in the larger web of relationships that sustains us.
(For a deeper understanding of this I highly recommend the book I and Thou by Martin Buber.)
Growing up as an only child in a family that moved frequently, I became very familiar with feeling "apart from." I would feel an ache in my belly as I stood at the edge of the playground, watching other children play but unsure how to join them.
I became a student of belonging, carefully observing what made others acceptable and trying to will myself into connection.
What I couldn't see then was how my desperate focus on external acceptance actually reinforced my separation, from them and also from myself. Each attempt to be included started from the belief that I was fundamentally an outsider. My question was always: "How can I get them to let me in?" Never: "In what way might I already belong?"
The Inside-Out Paradox
Here's where the path takes a turn. The journey toward genuine connection doesn't begin by reaching out but by reaching in. Before we can truly feel "a part of" any community, we need to first develop a relationship with ourselves1.
This isn't a pithy self-help cliche. It's a neurobiological reality.
Our capacity to form secure attachments depends largely on the deep, often unconscious beliefs about whether we're worthy of care and whether others can be trusted to provide it.
When we move through the world believing we don’t really belong, our nervous systems remain in subtle but constant vigilance. We scan for signs of rejection or abandonment, and monitor ourselves for acceptability.
This vigilance doesn't just exhaust us. It actively prevents the authenticity and vulnerability necessary for deep connection2.
Consider our move to telehealth and Zoom meetings post-Covid. Imagine trying to have an important conversation while simultaneously watching yourself on camera, critiquing your every word and gesture.
Divided attention makes true presence impossible.
But many of us approach our most important relationships this way, one part participating while another part judges our performance.
The paradox is this: only by accepting ourselves as we are can we create space for genuine connection with others.
When we stop trying to earn belonging and recognize that we are already enough, something shifts. We bring our full, imperfect presence to our relationships. We listen without agenda. We offer ourselves without demand.
We discover that connection isn't something to achieve but something to allow.
The Fear That Binds Us
What keeps us trapped in patterns of disconnection isn't usually lack of opportunity or skill. It's fear.
Fear has many faces.
Perfectionism ("I'll be worthy of connection when I've achieved enough"), busyness ("I don't have time right now, I’ll have more time later")
Cynicism ("people always disappoint you anyway")
Intellectualization ("I understand that most people need connection")
Even spiritual bypassing ("we're all one on a plane of higher vibration").
Behind these masks lies the same existential terror: if I show myself as I truly am, I will be rejected. This fear isn't totally irrational. Most of us have experiences that taught us exactly this lesson.
Children who were consistently criticized, overlooked, or abandoned learn that safety is found in hiding, not in revealing.
But here's where healing becomes possible.
The same neuroplasticity that encoded these protective patterns can reshape them. Through consistent experiences of being seen and accepted - by ourselves first, then by others - we gradually revise our internal maps.
What once felt dangerous slowly becomes possible.
Questions as Doorways
As you sit with these words, I invite you to notice the sensations you feel in your body. Where do you feel a sense of recognition? Where do you feel resistance?
Consider:
Where in your life do you feel genuinely "a part of" rather than "apart from"? What qualities mark those relationships or communities?
How does your relationship with yourself influence your capacity for connection with others? Are you someone who extends more compassion to others than to yourself?
What fears arise when you imagine being truly seen by another person? Can you trace these fears to their origins?
What small step might you take today toward more authentic connection, either with yourself or with someone else?
There are no perfect answers to these questions. Their value lies not in arriving at an answer but in staying curious about your own experience. By staying in the question itself.
The ache of disconnection in a digitally “connected” world is a signal, like thirst or hunger, telling us something essential is missing. Rather than numbing the signal with distraction or dismissing it as weakness, what if we allowed it to guide our next steps?
What if loneliness isn't the problem but the beginning of the solution, the first step on the path back to belonging?
The space between "apart from" and "a part of" may feel like a thousand miles, but it can be crossed by small moments of genuine presence…
With ourselves first, and then with each other.
In that presence lies the connection we've been searching for all along.
From my heart to yours,
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Thank you for being here.
For more on the importance of authentic attunement, I highly recommend The Alchemy of Attachment by
@Linnea Butler, MS, LMFT - I'm moved by this reflection you've writtent about. Thank you for weaving together the biology, psychology and truths of what it means to long for belonging in a world that so often pushes us away from our own healthy presence. I feel especially grateful for your nod to The Self as Relationship and it’s clear our work speaks to the aspiration of how to come home to ourselves in a way that makes healthy connection possible.
Your distinction between “apart from” and “a part of” makes a lot sense to me. It captures so much of the pain I see in both therapy and everyday life, the way our early wounds teach us to scan, perform or brace, even when all we want is to be met wholeheartedly. You name the paradox with a lot of clarity: that the path to healthy connection begins not with striving outward, but with the courageous, often slow hard work of turning inward with care.
I'm grateful to be in this shared conversation with you.
Hi Linnea, and thank you for your newsletter. I recently wrote an essay here on Substack about Conversation Over the Fence, and how that has disappeared (along with the small, local community support that women have always built) as a result of the growth in "virtual" connection. If you have a moment, I'd love you to visit my post and provide your thoughts about my musings.